How can this all be chance? How can the sky soaked in hues of pink and yellow be of anything other than the very blood of a man who had lived a horrendous life, not because He was a fool, not because He was weak, not because He was a man of addiction, but

because

He

loves

me.

He loves me right now. This very second. And the next second. And now this second. He loves me so much that when I needed a house He gave me a home. When I needed someone to cry to He poured friends into my life. When I was tired He blessed me with coffee, and if that wasn't enough when I was weak this being of all mighty, raw power became even weaker than my pathetic, rotting flesh just so this this Man can lift my head to reveal to me that despite all this

ugly I'm prone to the sun will still rise to comfort it.

Oh how my soul aches to be a father.

I look around and see all the innocent faces of the children of people. It makes my heart ache to hear a child cry. It makes me smile to hear one laugh. I can't but help but imagine all the things I will do to show my son I love him. I can't wait to be there to listen to his ideas and opinions. How I'm going to teach him everything God is trying to teach me. Oh how I enjoy the thought of holding a living person who has a living heart, a heart that I get to help grow. I can't wait to see God's face through a gift He will bless me with.

My worries resign in my family.

Lately I've been thinking about my family. Mostly because I'm going to see some of them for Christmas. Last time I saw them I was a different person. All my memories are me being unhappy and such but none the less now that I have grown up and found the source of love and happiness there has been a different source of unhappiness to accompany my new found love. Unlike the unhappiness I've felt in the past this unhappiness causes me to feel great sympathy and worry. It's the kind that makes my heart want to climb out of my chest and do something. This one particular unhappiness is caused by the lack of well being of my mother.

Although having a strange and unique relationship with my mother I still have an overwhelming love for her. Lately though my thoughts of her have been of a different subject than the usual. Recently my mother has been married, found a home, found a church, and found Christ. This is all good, but the deeper, unfortunate side of the story is that this is her third husband, she's finding herself unable to pay her rent, her church is not able to help her grow, and her faith is found in religion. My heart weeps for this woman as I want to hold her and show her the real love that God wants for her. But I'm miles away and it seems like a phone call will make me look foolish. I want to show her the treasures she has waiting for her. I want to show her the healing she can receive by just asking for it, appose to the medicine she's grown to rely on. I think of this book when I think about how amazing my mother is, and it makes me cry when I have a hard time seeing the hope in her future. I can only pray.